Surrender - An Alice Diary Entry #1

Nov 2, 2022

The kids are finally in bed. Tyler fought a bit with his superman underwear, but we finally got it off him. I’m ravenous as usual. Little Carrie is having too much fun with my bladder. Today was extraordinarily busy. I couldn’t have gone through it without Tom’s help. He’s been a rockstar since He got back. It’s all been rough but somehow, we’re here. I don’t think I’ve taken time to debrief, to let it all out, what’s happened in the last year. I’ve tried to comprehend the turnaround we’ve experienced but it’s still incomprehensible. I don’t even know if I could do any better than Tom did during our testimony at church. I mean to think where we would be without God today.

I tried to do it all you know, I tried to be the best mom, the best wife, the best daughter, the best “struggling” artist, the best friend, the best employee…the best Christian. The best lover to my God. But I just couldn’t. Everything was right and ripe. I was sure I was called to all these things even then, but I was just, I couldn’t do it. I was burnt out. How could I do any of it, when every single one demanded so much from me. I mean my art, for example. It had been my whole life. At 13 I knew in my heart that the Lord wanted me to make art that praised Him. But it's been a struggle. At 38, I was still looking for my big break. Top it all, along the way I had to be a wife, a mother…caretaker…listening sister. It just... it was too much. I buckled. I was tired. And the enemy found a way to take it out on my marriage, or so I thought. I thought God didn’t expect me to be tired you know. I thought He wanted me to be able to just carry it. After all, He was the one who gave it all to me. So, you know, why was I struggling? I asked myself. Tom started working a lot more, traveling, and I could see it wear on our marriage. Talk about not having an extra hand.

I was running on fumes, and then came Darrel. At first, it was just the breath of peace I felt during lunch breaks at work. Then the belly laughs. He had me at the belly laughs. It felt like someone finally cared about me you know. I had a space to just breathe. Darrel provided rest, and I needed rest. But little did I know that it wasn’t his rest I needed. I deluded myself into thinking we were just work-friends who sometimes hung out after work. But on May 29th, 2021, I was faced with a choice. He asked me to meet him at his house and I went. I thought we were just going to eat some pizza. Sure enough we were, but I didn’t expect what happened after. Darrel held me and started kissing me. He caught me by surprise, and I missed Tom. I missed feeling like I could let it all go. I missed letting love in. I missed God. Suddenly it hit me, I was about to make the worst mistake of my life. I pushed Darrel away and ran home. I only turned to see if he was following and sure enough, he was. If not for his neighbor standing in their yard across the street, I’m not sure what would have happened.

I ran home, with every strength I could conjure. I don’t know if I drove or ran all the way, but I came to it when I got in my bedroom. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. All I could do was stare at my hand. They looked dirty to my naked eye, though they seemed clean. I felt dirty. I tried to wash my hands in the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Mascara all over my face from crying so hard. My lipstick smeared. None of these stood out to me like my eyes. I saw my eyes, and they were tired. I used to pride myself in how well I cared for my beautiful brown skin, but no cream, serum, or scrub could remediate what I saw that day. I saw a very tired woman. And I was tired of being tired. That day I thought, "if only God could help me". He had asked for too much of me, and I just couldn’t do it. Something happened then that I can’t describe. My bathroom was filled with a very strong presence. I could feel in my heart a scripture I hadn’t heard since prayer group in high school. All I remembered was “soar on wings like eagles”. I googled it, and there it was, Isaiah 40:31.

“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint”.

Right there in black and white, the Lord told me I didn’t have to do everything I’d been trying to do in my own strength. I just needed to wait for Him. I started crying even more. Why was I trying to do this on my own? In my own strength? It was so hard! I cried and asked God to come. To have His way, that I didn’t want to do it my way anymore. I wanted His way more than my way. I begged for His strength. As I cried, another scripture bubbled up in my Spirit.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”. I didn’t remember it at the time but I later found out it was Matthew 11:28. It took my breath away because God didn’t just want to give me strength, he also wanted to give me rest. All I needed to do was come. All I needed to do was wait. All I needed to do was surrender.